For the majority of the last 14 months, I have been caught in this dark cloud that consumed me. It was my own little personal Hell. I developed coping mechanisms to deal with the stress and anxiety of family drama, work bullshit, a demoralizing demotion, a financially devastating pay cut, and unresolved sorrow from losing my grandmother. I built up walls around me and cut off most people..best friends of 20 years, because I didn’t want to poison the well. I didn’t want be this ‘infection’, spreading darkness around me. You might find pictures of me smiling, but I wasn’t really. There would be blips of feeling content but it wouldn’t last more than a day or even sometimes hours.

Something clicked a week and a half ago. I made a small change that I’ve come to realize was keeping me in this dark cloud. In the last week and a half, I’ve felt happiness that I haven’t felt in a long time. I’m now looking forward to the future again, as rough of a ride I expect it to be. That’s just how life goes.

It just feels so damn good to feel hopeful again and to have the motivation to deal with the plethora of stressors in my life. There’s still work to do but I just had to articulate the progress I’ve made, even if I’m only talking to myself.

It’s so fun watching these kids grow up. While kids of my own might still be a possibility, “Uncle Jeff/Jedg” is okay too. Love my niece and nephew to the moon and back.

What the fuck? -broadly gestures at everything-

Uncle life. It’s funny watching my niece grow up and develop her personality. She’s a goofball.

I wish I could see my nephew but now we wait while the court system sorts out how two people who just weren’t meant for each other are going to raise a child. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for these little humans.

I’m not much a fan of being in front of a lens nor taking mirror selfies, however, this is is an exception. I’ve lost about 40lbs. overall in the last year or so. My goal is to hit 210 by the end of the year, which is totally attainable.

This hasn’t been quick or easy and I’ve had times where I eat crap and then have to lose the weight I gained. I still have progress to make but I’ll take this win for the moment.

My house is slowly turning into a home. There’s still this sort of empty feeling to it though.

I’ve spent the last 5 years avoiding dating like the plague but I’m putting myself back out there. I will say the dating process, especially in our day and age, is the worst.

Well, here’s to hoping I don’t get any more calls from work about building issues so I get a couple hours of rest.

Been rather absent lately. Between work stress, house stuff, turning 30 midlife crisis, and the state of everything as a whole.

Some days I feel inadequate. A bad grandson. Son. Brother. Nephew. Friend. Manager. Others I don’t. I’m trying to be a better person. Some days I’m just so tired of the weight of the world. Just getting that off my chest. No ominous meaning behind it. I live alone and don’t want to burden friends with further negativity.

Maybe it’s time for a dog to run some ideas past. (Love Bill Burr’s bit about his dog, hilarious).